Define friend

Soooo I haven't done the blogging thing in a while but I don't really know what else to do. It's either type this or take forever writing in my notebook. I'll take this for 200. Anyway, I guess what drove me to write was feeling as if I'm alone. My daughter just went to visit my mom in AZ and it's soooo hard on me. It's just an initial trip so I can build and get my feet off the ground. I've been back in IN since September and don't have shit yet. I had a lil seasonal job but I'm not where I need to be....mentally, emotionally, physically.....nothin. Not even close. I've never been away from my baby for more than 3 days so it hurts. I'm not the best mother in the world, considering this is my first child, and I like any young parent have made mistakes but for the past 3 years I've been nothin but a mother so idk what else to do. I tell her everything...she loves me so unconditional and you don't get that in people or even your "friends". It's crazy cuz when I used to want to be in the company of people more my own age, I never realized how unbored she was keeping me. And now that it's me, myself, and I, I really see how much company she was giving me. I miss her soooo much that words can't even describe. Seems like nothing can explain how I feel except tears. She is the most important person in the whole world to me. So since she's gone I feel extra alone. The only person who listens to me or remotely even cares is gone so I've been left with just God to tell everything to. It's frustrating cuz I can't hear him talk or get feedback but it'll have to do. Not like anyone else even cares what i'm goin thru or how i feel. People have their own problems, and that's why I try to keep mine to myself but is it too  mucg to care? I jus wanna know how I can be surrounded by so many people and feel so alone??? That question will always remain a mystery to me. People say they're your friends and don't act like them. What does it even mean to be a friend? I have noone and I'm sick of it. It's a lot to have all the emotions I have. I think that's why I drank heavily and used to drug...cuz I don't like to feel. I have sooo many feelings and emotions it's irritating but that's me. I wish that besides my own child there was another person who is an adult who understood me and could be there for me when i'm lonely or bored. Yes true....I do have a boyfriend.... who lives 3 hours away and is ALWAYS busy makin money. I know he loves me and I too love him but not even he understands me. I can count the actual "friends" i do have on one hand. Some people can just boil this down to me bein needy but when you don't do anything but school and look for a job, you get kinda bored and tired of talkin to yourself. The point is, my baby is gone and if you were my "friend" you wouldn't just sit on the sidelines while i feel extra alone....you'd be there. But I mean I can't expect that if noone does it when she's here, for someone to when she's not. I hate bein alone but the more I see how people are the better person it makes me. I just feel like people see a genuine friend in me....i love to be there, give advice, listen but when I need that same shit in return, I have to pay for it....pretty fuxxn sad. I have "friends" that really only call me when they're life is in the shit hole. But me doing what an actual friend is supposed to do, i listen. If you need me and I said i'm your "friend", than i'm your damn FRIEND. It's true friends come and go but best friends are forever... thats probably why I can count them all on one hand. <3